‘Meghan Markle, Prince Harry, and why I’m absolutely sick of hearing about them’

I'm thrilled to hear there is a reboot movie of The Hobbit being filmed and loving the new publicity shots already – they’ve really nailed the huge, hairy dirty feet look for the chap playing Bilbo Baggins.

Aah, wait, it’s not a remake of Tolkien’s Lord Of The Rings epic it’s a follow-up to rom-com Notting Hill instead. The soppy film where a dopey Brit falls for an ambitious American actress and they end up having a baybee?

It came with a free sick bag and was so far-fetched no-one ever believed it could happen.

Especially that last scene where Julia Roberts’ character is laying with her head in Hugh Grant’s lap, cradling her baby bump while he tenderly holds her.

Not just morning sickness making you want to vomit here. I mean what real-life couple behaves like that?

But this is a brand new movie altogether… called Breathtaking Hypocrisy, starring a former American soap actress and a
ginger chap formerly known as Prince. You possibly won’t have heard of them as they are notoriously publicity shy.

They loathe the very idea you are even aware of what they look like. They’re probably furious that an intimate moment in their ­garden, as they celebrated her pregnancy, was caught on camera and appeared in newspapers, magazines and TV channels around the world.

Still, how very lucky that it’s such a charming, carefree and arty mono image it could have almost been staged.

And to ­randomly happen on Valentine’s Day…? Oh the coincidence!

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Maybe they’ll explain just how traumatised they are by this gross invasion of their privacy that they’ll talk us all through it when they have a low-key chat with her bestie, Oprah Winfrey.

What girl doesn’t need her mates at times like this, especially chums with 90-minute shows on one of the most-watched global TV channels?

Funny isn’t it how even the most notoriously shy and retiring types are willing to force themselves into the open especially when Netflix and Spotify wave cheques worth £150million?

Also how endearing it is that you don’t mind close friends chatting about you and sharing “private” letters with mags but your dad doing the same ends in court?

Of course you would not have anything to do with your biggest fanboy writing a gushing book about your marvellousness, would you?

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Especially one called Finding Freedom that implied your life was as hellish as Nelson Mandela’s, who called his book Long Walk To Freedom.

Then there’s living in a 14-bed mansion when there’s three of you, lecturing on the environment and equality in sanctimonious podcasts.

A new baby, especially after a miscarriage is always wonderful news.

If you were, for argument’s sake, once a VIP couple whose £10million ­wedding was paid for by British taxpayers it would be wrong not to announce it.

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But a simple statement would have done.

Still maybe the writing was on the wall when this couple still had jobs and toured Africa hearing the harrowing tales of child landmine victims and rape survivors. That broadcast, ­incredibly, became all about their suffering.

So if you bump into either going about their private, low-key lives make sure to ask how they are. Not sure we ever really hear enough about it.

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