‘Orlando Bloom cements ‘large d**k’ status with bonkers woke interview’

Luvvie Orlando Bloom gave the most astonishing interview at the weekend which is so bonkersly woke it makes our royal Ginger Whinger look full-on Nazi uniform wearing, “P” word using right-wing nut job.

Oh, wait…

Any case Pirates of the Caribbean star Orlando likes to “earn” his breakfast of “brain fuel” with a hike, carve out a “space to dream” in his day, do “eye gazing” with his baby daughter and ponder how “beautiful” cows are.

The day finishes with dressing for dinner with partner Katy Perry.

He also likes to go paddle-boarding naked and having seen the uncensored photos I can confirm that the phrase “a large d*ck” pretty much sums everything about Mr Bloom up.

Line of Duty's 'truth-bending' vs Meghan's 'forensic grilling'

Cop drama Line of Duty attracted the second biggest TV audience of the year.

It’s a programme full of incomprehensible language about people who “bend the truth” for their own ends and have a somewhat loose grasp on the meaning of “duty”.

The highest rated programme of the year so far? Meghan’s “forensic grilling” by her simpering bestie Oprah Winfrey. Just leaving this one here.

Solskjaer's rich excuse

There are so many professions where complaining about being knackered is acceptable in a pandemic.

Kicking a football about isn’t one. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer blaming “fatigue” for Manchester United getting knocked out of FA Cup by Leicester is richer than most of his pampered players.

Condemn the mindless louts

Astonishing how many labour MPs and left-wing commentators seem to have found it difficult to condemn the ­appalling, mindless vandalism of the events in Bristol.

I mean it’s not tricky is it? The right to protest is a good thing to peacefully protest about. Setting fire to police van with men and women inside it is not. Absolutely NOTHING justifies that ever.

More time to waste

The clocks go forward this weekend which means you’ve got an hour less to do all the riveting stuff you’ve been doing for the past three months.

I mean? Who’d have thunk going for yet another walk could be any less exciting?

RIP Freddie

RIP Freddie the seal, killed by an unleashed dog on the banks of the Thames.

The dog was being a dog. The owner was being an irresponsible pillock.

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